The whitewashed walls reflected the sun’s glare. Alice adjusted her sunglasses.
Small stones skittered and bounced down a wall then, with a wail, a boy landed at her feet. He was small, dirty and frightened; Alice saw blood running down his left leg. She took off her rucksack, pulling out a bottle of water and some tissue. She bathed his leg while he stared defiantly up at her. A battered car screeched to a halt, Alice stared in disbelief as the driver pulled out a gun. She screamed as a shot rang out. Pocketing his gun the boy hobbled away.
Thanks to Jan Morrill for the photograph and to Madison Woods for “Friday Fictioneers”. http://www.madison-woods.com/Wordpress/index-of-stories/101212-2/
WOW! how powerful!
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Thank you, glad you enjoyed it 🙂
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I always forget the gratuitous self-promotion. Mines at http://photovignettes.wordpress.com/2012/10/12/1459/
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I enjoyed your writing, just a bit confused at the ending. Was the boy shot, then hobbled away? Or did the driver miss? Either way, why would this eye witness be left alone? I like the bit of the boy’s character we’re able to see. “… while he stared defiantly up at her.”
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The shot came from the boy, he let Alice live as she had helped him, well that’s the way my brain was working, could perhaps have made things a little clearer. Thanks for you comment, always useful
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oh! was not ready for that. great job. one thing thought – this sentence: She took off her rucksack, pulling out a bottle of water and some tissue. you’ve got a mix of tenses. “she took…” past tense. “pulling out a bottle…” participle. sometimes they can mix, but not like this. consider instead-
“she took off her rucksack and removed a bottle of water and some tissue.”
adjust as needed for word count of 100.
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Not sure about “she took off her rucksack and removed a bottle of water and some tissue.” but get your point all the same.
Think it should have read “she took off her rucksack, pulled out a bottle of water and some tissue and bathed his leg while he stared defiantly up at her.”
As usual, thanks for visiting, always appreciated
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Wow – nice twist. I really liked this sentence, “Small stones skittered and bounced down a wall then, with a wail, a boy landed at her feet.”
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Thank you Sheila, so glad you liked the story this week.
Dee
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Gripping! A few words saying so many possibilities.
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Thanks for reading Trudi, it’s great to get feedback 🙂
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Dear Dee,
i loved the mystery of the boy and that focused nature he needed in order to survive. Sparing the girl, killing his pursuers. I think af a n older sould trapped in a younger body. Very nice work,
Aloha,
Doug
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Hi Doug
Thank you for your kind comments, they are so appreciated.
I thought your story was brilliant http://ironwoodwind.wordpress.com/2012/10/11/a-case-of-you and have left my comments
Dee
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